The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
