I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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