It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
