My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm passing your future prison.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
