There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
