I am spending my child support on dildos
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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