On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
