he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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