I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
