A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Green mimosas i think yes
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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