I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
