i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
