Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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