My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
