The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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