It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
