Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
