party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
