He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
