Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
