My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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