Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
