Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
