I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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