ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
