I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
