I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i wish my penis had a tongue
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
