Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
