I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
