I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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