I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
