Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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