u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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