do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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