It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
