remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
This is the high leading the old right now
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
