i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
