i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
