The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize