You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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