My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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