no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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