i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
