I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
