theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
