Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
