I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm too high and old for this...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
