is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
