I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
