First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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