Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize