I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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