Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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