I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
