There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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