Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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