Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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