Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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